…broken promises….

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

[[]]

im just so so so tired.
i feel like breaking down and crying. the emptiness in my chest is threatening to overwhelm me. i hate bidding for modules. i hate that i have to use so many points to get one module when i still need the points from that account for the next two years of my life. it sucks. and i hate that if i dont do so, then i wont be able to take any module with my gpsm and that sucks even more.
i hate it that this has to happen right now; that it caused me to yell very loudly for my parents to wait for me cos they came into my room the exact moment i was having a mental breakdown and burst into song, see, its my sister's birthday tmw, or technically, today, since its after 12 midnight already. i hate that i have to be the wet blanket, but it just feels weird, you know, when the euphoria around me is rising and its pushing me down, down, down... it sorta feels like im drowning, and i cant get out, not with the burden of worries weighing me down..
and then when i finally regain my composure and finish the birthday song, this friend of mine comes to me and starts telling me of the wonderful day she's had. and this is by no fault of her own, no, of course not; because i know she regards me as a good friend, which is by she so happily started talking about her day, which is indeed quite exciting, its something ive always wanted to do too, just that ive not been able to find the right people to do it with. anyway, it just got me all upset again, cos it felt like i was being left behind in everybody's busy life (again.), and this has always been a problem with me, so i guess i was just very short with her and i was just being very unreceptive and all... but bless my friend, this friend of mine, cos she must have picked up on it and she tried to assure me by telling me we would really have to talk on the phone soon, like sometime this week, so she could fill me in on everything! and that i must admit is a really good suggestion, but i must still have been quite emotionally unbalanced at that time so i did all i could to push her away, just in case i said something really bad in my fit of anger and madness.. but then she said something that meant, no, i mean, means the world to me. and i just really want to thank her for that. i love u gal... :)

so now all i can do is leave everything in God's hands... hopefully i can find a suitable module for jan and i to take.. and hopefully the bid pts wont be too high... and just for everything. amen.

so now i'm just going to pop back into fantasy world, into the pages of the harry potter and the deathly hallows. man, what would i give to be hermione, to have her brains... and ron... and friends in such high places... haha... oh! know what, if u wanna kill voldermort, why dont u just enroll him into nus and ask him to bid for his modules. yeah.

i really miss you
and i mean it..

and that means EVERYTHING to me.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |12:10 am|

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