…broken promises….

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

[[]]

recently ive been feeling like such a burden to everyone. its like nobody wants me, but cos theyre too nice, so they make time for me.

sometimes i know that the people who love me, ie my sister, doesnt mean to make me feel left out. and its her freedom to go out with her friends. besides, she is at that age now, where friends become more and more important in her life. its just that... i dont know.. maybe its cos im too attached to her, or maybe its cos she's the best friend i have, that i sometimes feel she doesnt have time for me anymore. that being in terms of going out with me, cos we hardly ever get the chance to go out, what with my mum always wanting to be around and all. its just... im alright with her being with her friends, in fact, at her age, i would worry if she didnt have friends to go out with.. its just that the hurt and disappointment that i feel (which is just a tiny portion, really) becomes amplified whenever i talk to her and she can feel it and that makes her sad, which makes me sad, but i cant help it and i cant stop it, cos i dont want to mask the truth and i dont want to pretend that im really 100% ok when there ist 1% of me that's not. and the worst thing is, i dont think that anyone understands.

maybe its time for me to get a boyfriend. but given my character and looks, i dont think that will ever be possible.

maybe i should consider becoming a nun...

i know i should give all these unhappy feelings to God, and i want to, but part of me is just... i dunno... turning away... Lord, please help me.

my head feels like its about to explode. i wish i could crawl out if my skin, be someone im not, go somewhere i havent been to, and live in someplace else.

now i know what they mean by "anywhere but here".

who really understands me? nobody. not even myself.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |3:54 pm|

_____________

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

[[]]

i saw a short segment of a programme on tv today. they were interviewing this girl who was working at the singapore zoo. she studied in a university in NZ, but chose to come to our zoo cos she felt that we had a greater variety of animals than most other zoos. her being able to spend time with the animals that she loves and having a job that allows her ample opportunities to do that makes me a little jealous of her. she looks so happy and confident, cos she has already found her aim and direction in life. that makes me wonder... what about me? have i? what if what i really want to do has nothing to do with being a pharmacist? what if after 4 years of studying what i'm studying, i realise that what really interests me has nothing to do with the stuff that ive learnt? wouldnt i have wasted 4 years then? during the past yr or so, countless of lecturers/guest lecturers have mentioned that a large proportion of the pple who graduated with the pharm degree have jobs that have nth do to with pharmacy. sometimes i do feel rather excited about being a pharmacist, about having knowledge about medicine that most other professions dont. but at other times, i feel nothing for it. its just a feeling that comes as quickly as it goes. its been almost 20 years, and im still as clueless as when i just started. i guess i just have to leave it in God's hands and pray that he will help me find the way...

there's a funeral near my house. its really strange, cos if i really think of it, i have not come across any funerals in the estate for ever since i can remember. its weird being able to hear the distant echoes of the chanting of the monks and clanging of the whatever instruments they use. it makes me wonder, when i really do die, if my friends will cry for me.

there are 3 different types of sentences: simple, compound and complex.
is that supposed to be common knowledge? cos i never knew till yst.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |5:35 pm|

_____________

Monday, August 13, 2007

[[]]

i'm thirsty.

i'm tired.

i'm sleepy.

and today's only the first day of school.

lect was from 8-10am. dont ask me how it was. it was a waste of time, to say the least. the lecturer came in 20mins late. and spent another 10 trying to find his workbin on ivle. then he used the rest of the time to go thru a programme that we wld we using for stats lab. and he defined terms such as nominal and ordinal and the different scales. i thot his drawing of a mouse was a venn diagram of different sized circles until i saw the label "dose injected".

sighs.

after that i went home. turned on the video recorder and watched taped programmes that i wanted to catch a few weeks back.

i watched angel lover & the episodes of yu le bai fen bai with the cast from huan huan ai and the special on nan quan mama. now im hooked onto nan quan mama's songs. i love lara's voice and zhang jie is rather cute.

sch. tmw. starts at 8 and ends at 4, no 6 if the lect for sp1203 is still on. with 4 hrs of nothing in btw. sighs.

i just read on the forums that ya lun quit sch cos he cldnt handle having to juggle acting, singing and studying. i wish i cld quit sch too; if i were given a chance like him to shine, why wldnt i?

want to watch zhong ji yi jia~

where is the him that i’m looking for… |11:22 pm|

_____________

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

[[]]

im just so so so tired.
i feel like breaking down and crying. the emptiness in my chest is threatening to overwhelm me. i hate bidding for modules. i hate that i have to use so many points to get one module when i still need the points from that account for the next two years of my life. it sucks. and i hate that if i dont do so, then i wont be able to take any module with my gpsm and that sucks even more.
i hate it that this has to happen right now; that it caused me to yell very loudly for my parents to wait for me cos they came into my room the exact moment i was having a mental breakdown and burst into song, see, its my sister's birthday tmw, or technically, today, since its after 12 midnight already. i hate that i have to be the wet blanket, but it just feels weird, you know, when the euphoria around me is rising and its pushing me down, down, down... it sorta feels like im drowning, and i cant get out, not with the burden of worries weighing me down..
and then when i finally regain my composure and finish the birthday song, this friend of mine comes to me and starts telling me of the wonderful day she's had. and this is by no fault of her own, no, of course not; because i know she regards me as a good friend, which is by she so happily started talking about her day, which is indeed quite exciting, its something ive always wanted to do too, just that ive not been able to find the right people to do it with. anyway, it just got me all upset again, cos it felt like i was being left behind in everybody's busy life (again.), and this has always been a problem with me, so i guess i was just very short with her and i was just being very unreceptive and all... but bless my friend, this friend of mine, cos she must have picked up on it and she tried to assure me by telling me we would really have to talk on the phone soon, like sometime this week, so she could fill me in on everything! and that i must admit is a really good suggestion, but i must still have been quite emotionally unbalanced at that time so i did all i could to push her away, just in case i said something really bad in my fit of anger and madness.. but then she said something that meant, no, i mean, means the world to me. and i just really want to thank her for that. i love u gal... :)

so now all i can do is leave everything in God's hands... hopefully i can find a suitable module for jan and i to take.. and hopefully the bid pts wont be too high... and just for everything. amen.

so now i'm just going to pop back into fantasy world, into the pages of the harry potter and the deathly hallows. man, what would i give to be hermione, to have her brains... and ron... and friends in such high places... haha... oh! know what, if u wanna kill voldermort, why dont u just enroll him into nus and ask him to bid for his modules. yeah.

i really miss you
and i mean it..

and that means EVERYTHING to me.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |12:10 am|

_____________