i just got myself a new phone!! -beams- its a LG mobile. i hope LG phones are alright. i didnt really expect to get it.. i mean, ive always wanted a motorola phone.. the razerVxxx (i think) kind.. hmmm... haha.. anw, i went to the comm centre with my family the other day cos there was smth wrong w my house phoneline (and my mum insisted on dragging my sis & i along... otherwise we cld have been watching 终极一班!! but anw...) and my sis and i were so ultra bored (we had to wait for like an hour) so we were walking ard, prodding at all the phones when i saw IT. haha.. anw, its supposed to be their chocolate series and it has a touchpad thingy for part of their keypad so i dont need to waste too much energy pressing on the keypads. hahaha... im still getting used to my phone but i'm loving it... tada!!:

recently there have been alot of things on my mind, and alot of things that i wanted to post here, things ive been thinking abt, things mainly to do with how i feel and how ive been... but somehow, whenever i try to type these things down, the words get stuck at the tip of my fingers and refuse to appear on the screen.. and whatever little that ive managed to get out, just sounds like a jumble of ramblings which go around and around in circles and they are never really enough to convey what's in my heart. somehow these ramblings just become saved draft pieces and will probably never see the light of day. i guess i just have to live with it, and to carry on with my life with all the hurt buried deep in my heart. cos i dont have the guts to say it out and i fear what i feel may sometimes hurt my friends and the friendship i have with them. maybe its because the friendship is what's been experiencing the problem. maybe its the fragile trust that makes the friendship the very thing thats being threatened. and maybe the problem lies not so much with them but with me. i guess thats the problem, that i tend to run away from too many things in my life. from people and from things that hurt me, to the extent that running away comes as second nature and in the process of preventing myself from feeling hurt, ive built a wall around myself and my heart and have learnt how to pretend that i dont feel anything when my heart's still bleeding away; to the extent that the wall's become ice and my blood has frozen and its so cold, so cold......

i havent talked to anyone on the phone for so long... i havent had late night conversations for so long... i've stayed up till 4am but its not been because i was on the phone, something that i used to do once upon a time.. ive broken the hearts of people who cared about me enough to want to talk to me, because a friend broke my heart that way.

its weird how the darkness of night brings out who we truly are and how we can sometimes manage to bring out things that we've kept in for so long, in the blanket of the darkness that the late night gives us.

its weird how in an attempt to change myself so that i wouldnt hurt others so much, ive forgotten who i truly am. whilst ive gained from it; ive become more cheerful, as anyone who knew me back then, and have read my blog entries from a few years back can testify, ive forgotten how its like to have the freedom to post whatever i wanted to, to the extent that i screen myself and what i have to say, which is probably why those ramblings never made it. well, all i can say is that in the velvety seduction of the night, one escaped, so brace yourself for it!

in the meantime, i drove on the expressway today! haha... i took the PIE, filtered out to AYE, went to orchard area via the tunnel and transversed newton circle before heading back to bbdc via the BKE and KJE. haha... all i can say its that its rather fun! though it takes some getting used to, especially lane changing. and singaporean drivers! all i can say is that (quote-unquote my mother in cantonese) 'they gon ji hui tou toi' ie they're in a rush to get reincarnated.

oh crappydo... i needa pee... but there's a lizard in the toilet... *screams in fright* who will save me???

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there once was a girl who had the honour of having a bunch of people whom she could regard as her good friends. though she could count with her fingers how many there were, she treasured these few with all her heart.

one didnt live on the same island as her, so they kept in contact via msn... and that was more than enough, and that kept their friendship going till now, though its not to say that this friendship didnt experience its ups and downs. why, there was this period that they didnt keep in contact at all, for about one year when they went to different schools to continue their education. but a phone call salvaged it all and they're as good as good can get.

there was another she held close to her heart for she could tell this one anything, anything at all, and not feel too stupid or dumb. she could act cute and whine to this friend and didnt have to hide anything. nope, not anything except her innermost thoughts about their friendship, especially when there were cracks starting to appear and they should have thrashed things out, but they didnt. see, what happened was that they grew up, or should i say, they were growing up. and they were experiencing alot of new things. first it was friendship itself. how wonderous it was. they would message each other almost every other ten minutes. even in school, for they werent in the same class. they would meet and go to school together, and they would meet and go home together. they would tell each other the nittiest and grittiest of all details, like what they had for dinner, or when their mums were nagging at them to study and not touch their phones so much. but then it happened. love. or at least love happened to one, and not the other. and the smses decreased in number. from almost 20 a day to 10, 8, till it became close to 5, yeah, 5...per week. the phone calls decreased in number, and in duration. this girl understood what was happening and she also understood that this friend of hers needed her space. and she was willing to give it to her and she was happy for them. but what saddened her was that it compromised her friendship. and that it always seemed to her that this friend only had enough energy to reply her messages, and she rarely initiated an sms on her own. hiding in her hurt and trying to be strong, she hardened her heart and underwent the typical stages of grief: sadness, hurt, anger... and finally, indifference. for to her, that's the only thing that could stop her heart from aching. for to her, friendship came above everythingelse, even romantic relationships, for those may not last, but friendship was supposed to. it was supposed to.

then there was another friend, who was so special in her own way, her cute, blur and slightly repetitive way. why repetitive? cos this one liked to repeat her stories and insights on life. this one's life was filled with many interesting ways and she always had many interesting thoughts and things that she wanted to do, like sit by the river and eat mee siam. this one sustained her during her period of grief and made her days more cheery and happy. this one had great rapport with her and it seemed as if they had telepathy, for whenever she wondered to herself when this friend would call her (for talking on the phone every night became almost a ritual to them, and sometimes they could last for 5hours or more), the phone would ring in less than 10minutes. and this ritual became routine to her, so much so that when this one didnt call, she would feel as if there was something she forgot to do in her otherwise mundane life. the only thing was that, this became so habitual to her, having this special one do the calling almost every night, that she didnt realise that this one who was so dear to her heart started to have doubts about her place in her heart. and this horrible seed of doubt planted itself in this one's heart at the worst of all timings, during the transition state to even higher education, when there was one less common medium through which they could meet up, for school had ended and people around them were starting to experience a tase of working life. separated by time and space, she became tired of trying to keep up with these special ones and buried herself in a world of tv, books and the internet, for they at least didnt make her feel as if the world was leaving her behind. and she was once again doing what she did best, and that was to run away. this special one started to resent her and even started to dislike her, driven by the very same anger and hurt that she herself had experienced before. if only she was smart enought to realise it. all things came to light however, as, thank heavens, this one was not as nonconfrontational as her and they finally thrashed things out when this one gave their friendship one last go and called her for what was supposed to be the last time. now this one and her are still close friends, though admittedly, not as close as before, for wounds take time to heal and some things just cant be returned to. she misses the long conversations with this one and hopes that this special one will have a good time at work.

and finally, theres one more, this one she never expected to be close friends with. but this one somehow saw something in her that even she herself could not see, and made attempts to get to know her better, and she's been very grateful for that, even till this day. this one made her two years better and helped her to gain the confidence she needed to hold her head up when she walked, for she wasnt a very confident person before that. this one showed her insight to the real world and made her a stronger person who dared to have her own thoughts about issues she didnt want to think about before. though she knows that this one hasnt changed much, from since the last time she saw her, she regrets that they havent had the chance to spend much time with each other in the past year for they were now pursuing different things in totally different disciplines. she regrets that because of this, they seem to have drifted apart, though she knows that there will always be ropes linking their rafts together, no matter how far they are. all they have to do is to pull on them. even so, she cant help but feel a little disappointed, mostly with herself, for not knowing what's been going on in this one's life, though from the sight of it, it seems that some major things have happened; and she feels sad that she has not been able to be there for this one, in her times of happiness and sadness.

as anyone can see, this girl is still reeling from her pain and is still running away. but she's trying not to do so anymore. though its hard, for old habits die hard, she's making fresh attempts at keeping in contact. for one, she's starting to read blogs again, for it was something she steered clear of doing, to run from the mixture of pain and happiness when she reads them; happiness at their new life and pain for not being a soild part of it anymore. perhaps someday soon she will pick up the phone again, when she's ready, for she has grown to love her alone time and it wont be easy for her to pluck herself out of it and give that time back to those who deserve it.

and should anyone wonder what caused her to want to try again, here's her reason: its because of her current favourite person, actor/singer and member of fahrenheit, arron 炎亞綸. yes she's not afraid to admit it. and she's been reading his blog recently and she came across a heart wrenching entry, in which he lost his best friend to a car accident, this entry being as recent as the 17th of may. and with his simple phrasing and beautiful words, abeit in chinese, he brought across his pain and sorrow, and his love for this dear friend of his. and through his pain she found an outlet for her own pain as tears brimmed her eyes. though they never really fell, she understood one simple thing, that she should treasure what she has, before it was too late. perhaps one of the reasons why this struck so close to her heart is that he is not more than twenty one, just as she is not more than twenty; and she was as vulnerable as he was. although she will never understand why God has to let these things happen to him, for this iss not the first time, he lost his girlfriend in a car accident a few years back too; she hopes that he will find strength from his sorrow and face life with a greater zest, as she has from his and her own pain.

with this she hopes to embark on a new beginning and to learn to open her heart again.

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