…broken promises….

Monday, June 02, 2008

[[back.]]

disappointed.
disappointment. this is what i feel.
and if you think its about my results.
its not. not entirely.
yes, i could have done better. but. i think given that i crammed everything in one week, and had urops stuff up till the friday before reading week, its amazing that i didnt fail anything. praise the Lord!
but still. yes. its you again. since jc days. since j2. since u got a bf. its been like that. nothing you say can be trusted. promises. are like. nothing. broken. shattered. i. am. tired.

dont say you'll call when you wont.
dont say you'll call back when our conversation gets interrupted when you dont.
dont sms me if you dont plan on replying.
dont make plans when they dont materialise.
dont say you miss me unless you really do.
dont. dont. dont. i dont believe it anymore.
if you think such things only apply to bfs/gfs (for guys), think again. it applies to friends too. to siblings. to parent-child relationships. to all basic humantohuman relationships.
you dont live just for BGRs.
and i am so tired.

emptiness.
this feeling of a vacumm right in the centre of me.
maybe this is why all i do is watch dramas.
taiwanese. japanese. korean. even korean! korean soaps. this is the ultimate. there is something wrong with me. 80episodes. and i watched it all. and cried. and cried and cried. never before. and wished. that i had a bf. someone to walk me home. drive me around at night, to nowhere. walk down the street hand-in-hand with. lean against. sit by the beach with. watch the sunset. then the sunrise. smell the morning air. go to the park by my house with. to the playground. on the swings. at night. ............... dont want to go on anymore.
im tired.

but thank you suyi. for spending my holidays with me. i know that ure a veryvery busy person (hahaha), but really thank you that even though u still have other pple to meet, u still go out with me, almost at least once a week. to do crazy things with. to go window shopping with. really. thank you. and theres still so much more to do, so leave some days free for me k? *winks*

deph. when will we meet up? how have you been? i really do miss you. i really miss those jc days. i miss having lessons with you and going for lecture with you and stoning with you (at the bleachers!) and running off to town after a normal school day even though we have tutorials to do. where have those days gone? where do they seem so distant... even though we study at the same uni, are prolly at the same area almost 5 days of the week, i feel as though... its as good as if one of us is overseas. in fact, wld we be closer that way? i dont know.

gpsm. take care ok? im sorry i bombarded you with those ramblings... it was rather late at night, so dont blame me. i guess u'd be tired of me and all my pessimism. im sorry i cant make u laugh or smile as much as we used to back in those good 'ol days at mg. i guess im just becoming old. old old yin teng. ~ anw, take care in the states k? u lucky gal. what wld i give to be there with you...

where is the him that i’m looking for… |12:12 am|

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Friday, January 18, 2008

[[time to change...my blogskin, amongst others.]]

still awake.

having dinner with suyi tmw.

met up with janice yst. had thai express, and then went to essential brews. nice atmosphere, not so nice drinks. bleh.

was supposed to go to the gym w simin tmw (or shd i say today). get well soon girl!!

tetanus jab with michelle tmw. shivers... our sisters are in the same class. HOW COOL IS THAT???

bodyache from standing all day in the lab for close to 2weeks.

was so surprised when i saw suyi earlier this week on mon. :D and even more pleasantly surprised when i received her postcard from aust yst. awwww... but she spelt my name wrongly. tsktsk. so much for 4yrs plus of friendship. hahaha...

met serena on the way to school one of the mornings this week. that chatterbox! but it was nice. :)

met hon last week on a really lastlastlast minute notice. lab ended early, i gave her a call, and that was it. i miss u so much hon... and i miss having lessons with u.

my mood.is.like a.friggin.rollercoaster. up,down,DOWN,up.

-nites-

where is the him that i’m looking for… |2:10 am|

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Sunday, October 21, 2007

[[a long time coming....]]

its been a long time~

friday was nice. met up with simin and suyi... went town for a gals' night out... did silly things and laughed alot.. i'll prolly blog about it another time... all in all, it was nice. :))

tmw's the start of the o'levels. jia you chui!! and all ur friends. :)

sch is. sian.

sighs.

<3 盟主/灸舞.亞綸.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |10:46 pm|

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

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recently ive been feeling like such a burden to everyone. its like nobody wants me, but cos theyre too nice, so they make time for me.

sometimes i know that the people who love me, ie my sister, doesnt mean to make me feel left out. and its her freedom to go out with her friends. besides, she is at that age now, where friends become more and more important in her life. its just that... i dont know.. maybe its cos im too attached to her, or maybe its cos she's the best friend i have, that i sometimes feel she doesnt have time for me anymore. that being in terms of going out with me, cos we hardly ever get the chance to go out, what with my mum always wanting to be around and all. its just... im alright with her being with her friends, in fact, at her age, i would worry if she didnt have friends to go out with.. its just that the hurt and disappointment that i feel (which is just a tiny portion, really) becomes amplified whenever i talk to her and she can feel it and that makes her sad, which makes me sad, but i cant help it and i cant stop it, cos i dont want to mask the truth and i dont want to pretend that im really 100% ok when there ist 1% of me that's not. and the worst thing is, i dont think that anyone understands.

maybe its time for me to get a boyfriend. but given my character and looks, i dont think that will ever be possible.

maybe i should consider becoming a nun...

i know i should give all these unhappy feelings to God, and i want to, but part of me is just... i dunno... turning away... Lord, please help me.

my head feels like its about to explode. i wish i could crawl out if my skin, be someone im not, go somewhere i havent been to, and live in someplace else.

now i know what they mean by "anywhere but here".

who really understands me? nobody. not even myself.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |3:54 pm|

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

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i saw a short segment of a programme on tv today. they were interviewing this girl who was working at the singapore zoo. she studied in a university in NZ, but chose to come to our zoo cos she felt that we had a greater variety of animals than most other zoos. her being able to spend time with the animals that she loves and having a job that allows her ample opportunities to do that makes me a little jealous of her. she looks so happy and confident, cos she has already found her aim and direction in life. that makes me wonder... what about me? have i? what if what i really want to do has nothing to do with being a pharmacist? what if after 4 years of studying what i'm studying, i realise that what really interests me has nothing to do with the stuff that ive learnt? wouldnt i have wasted 4 years then? during the past yr or so, countless of lecturers/guest lecturers have mentioned that a large proportion of the pple who graduated with the pharm degree have jobs that have nth do to with pharmacy. sometimes i do feel rather excited about being a pharmacist, about having knowledge about medicine that most other professions dont. but at other times, i feel nothing for it. its just a feeling that comes as quickly as it goes. its been almost 20 years, and im still as clueless as when i just started. i guess i just have to leave it in God's hands and pray that he will help me find the way...

there's a funeral near my house. its really strange, cos if i really think of it, i have not come across any funerals in the estate for ever since i can remember. its weird being able to hear the distant echoes of the chanting of the monks and clanging of the whatever instruments they use. it makes me wonder, when i really do die, if my friends will cry for me.

there are 3 different types of sentences: simple, compound and complex.
is that supposed to be common knowledge? cos i never knew till yst.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |5:35 pm|

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Monday, August 13, 2007

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i'm thirsty.

i'm tired.

i'm sleepy.

and today's only the first day of school.

lect was from 8-10am. dont ask me how it was. it was a waste of time, to say the least. the lecturer came in 20mins late. and spent another 10 trying to find his workbin on ivle. then he used the rest of the time to go thru a programme that we wld we using for stats lab. and he defined terms such as nominal and ordinal and the different scales. i thot his drawing of a mouse was a venn diagram of different sized circles until i saw the label "dose injected".

sighs.

after that i went home. turned on the video recorder and watched taped programmes that i wanted to catch a few weeks back.

i watched angel lover & the episodes of yu le bai fen bai with the cast from huan huan ai and the special on nan quan mama. now im hooked onto nan quan mama's songs. i love lara's voice and zhang jie is rather cute.

sch. tmw. starts at 8 and ends at 4, no 6 if the lect for sp1203 is still on. with 4 hrs of nothing in btw. sighs.

i just read on the forums that ya lun quit sch cos he cldnt handle having to juggle acting, singing and studying. i wish i cld quit sch too; if i were given a chance like him to shine, why wldnt i?

want to watch zhong ji yi jia~

where is the him that i’m looking for… |11:22 pm|

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

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im just so so so tired.
i feel like breaking down and crying. the emptiness in my chest is threatening to overwhelm me. i hate bidding for modules. i hate that i have to use so many points to get one module when i still need the points from that account for the next two years of my life. it sucks. and i hate that if i dont do so, then i wont be able to take any module with my gpsm and that sucks even more.
i hate it that this has to happen right now; that it caused me to yell very loudly for my parents to wait for me cos they came into my room the exact moment i was having a mental breakdown and burst into song, see, its my sister's birthday tmw, or technically, today, since its after 12 midnight already. i hate that i have to be the wet blanket, but it just feels weird, you know, when the euphoria around me is rising and its pushing me down, down, down... it sorta feels like im drowning, and i cant get out, not with the burden of worries weighing me down..
and then when i finally regain my composure and finish the birthday song, this friend of mine comes to me and starts telling me of the wonderful day she's had. and this is by no fault of her own, no, of course not; because i know she regards me as a good friend, which is by she so happily started talking about her day, which is indeed quite exciting, its something ive always wanted to do too, just that ive not been able to find the right people to do it with. anyway, it just got me all upset again, cos it felt like i was being left behind in everybody's busy life (again.), and this has always been a problem with me, so i guess i was just very short with her and i was just being very unreceptive and all... but bless my friend, this friend of mine, cos she must have picked up on it and she tried to assure me by telling me we would really have to talk on the phone soon, like sometime this week, so she could fill me in on everything! and that i must admit is a really good suggestion, but i must still have been quite emotionally unbalanced at that time so i did all i could to push her away, just in case i said something really bad in my fit of anger and madness.. but then she said something that meant, no, i mean, means the world to me. and i just really want to thank her for that. i love u gal... :)

so now all i can do is leave everything in God's hands... hopefully i can find a suitable module for jan and i to take.. and hopefully the bid pts wont be too high... and just for everything. amen.

so now i'm just going to pop back into fantasy world, into the pages of the harry potter and the deathly hallows. man, what would i give to be hermione, to have her brains... and ron... and friends in such high places... haha... oh! know what, if u wanna kill voldermort, why dont u just enroll him into nus and ask him to bid for his modules. yeah.

i really miss you
and i mean it..

and that means EVERYTHING to me.

where is the him that i’m looking for… |12:10 am|

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